A land where the trains always run on subjective time. Stories and reflections by Fred Warren.

Random Randomness, 5/14/2015 — May 14, 2015

Random Randomness, 5/14/2015

Why? Because the Iron Laws of Probability demand it.

Rather than proceed with my usual smattering of random anecdotes about random stuff that’s caught my attention the past couple of weeks, I think I’ll offer a random list of random song lyrics.

This is a sampling of those deathless ditties that everybody recognizes, nobody understands, and absolutely no one gets right when they try to sing along. You know what I’m talking about.

WARNING: These incoherent earworms may induce road rage and spontaneous nosebleeds. Do not read while driving, do keep a spare tissue and bottle of ibuprofen at hand, and, for the love of all that’s good and true, suspend all logical analysis, lest the madness consume you.

Perhaps they make sense in some alternate universe where fish carry briefcases, children obey their parents, and a purple shirt coordinates with green slacks and argyle socks. Or not. It really doesn’t matter…sometimes trying to impose reason on something silly sucks the fun right out of it.

From the Broadway play, “The Echo,” 1910 (resurrected for a new generation by the 1980s children’s variety program, “The Elephant Show”), “Skidamarink a-Dink a-Dink”:

elephant showSkidamarink a-dink, a-dink, Skidamarink a-doo, I love you.
I love you in the morning and in the afternoon
I love you in the evening and underneath the moon.
Skidamarink a-dink, a-dink, Skidamarink a-doo, I love you.

When your Lovely Wife is a kindergarten teacher, this song haunts your nightmares.


From The Chips, 1956 (covered by The Blues Brothers in 1978), “Rubber Biscuit”:

BluesBrothersHeere odda hilldidda hildhiruhah
Juuuyr adda hilldadida jigguwah
Hieere odda hittomamma jizzowazzah
Hoow bawlda hiwowiwa hiwiwah
Heere odda hilldeninne hilldennine
Hiiire odda hillimoney hilluwowahwah
Dwiire odda higgunama shuppobup
Deare odda hildumama hithuivha
Puurr onna hillimona hillduwiva

I have no idea what it means, but Jake and Elwood sure looked cool singing it.


From the Broadway musical, “The Music Man,” 1957, “Shi-Poo-Pi”:

the music manBut a woman who waits ’til the third time around,
Head in the clouds, feet on the ground!
She’s the girl he’s glad he’s found–she’s his
Shi-Poo-Pi! Shi-Poo-Pi! Shi-Poo-Pi! Shi-Poo-Pi!
The girl who’s hard to get!
Shi-Poo-Pi! Shi-Poo-Pi! Shi-Poo-Pi!
But you can win her yet!

I doubt My Lovely Wife would appreciate me calling her My Shi-Poo-Pi, but so she is.


From the Broadway musical, Hair, 1967, “Good Morning Starshine”:

hairGliddy glup gloopy
Nibby nabby noopy la la la lo lo
Sabba sibby sabba
Nooby abba nabba le le lo lo
Tooby ooby walla nooby abba nabba
Early morning singing song

Oh, if only I could drop this gloopy song into the nibby nabby Crack of Doom along with the tooby ooby One Ring…


From The Police, 1980,”De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da”:

policeDe do do do, de da da da
Is all I want to say to you
De do do do, de da da da
They’re meaningless and all that’s true

Ah, the sound of one hand clapping.


 From the Broadway musical, Grease, 1991, “We Go Together”:

greaseWe go together
Like rama lamma lamma ka dinga da dinga dong
Remembered forever
As shoobop sha wadda wadda yippity boom de boom
Chang chang changitty chang shoobop
That’s the way it should be, wha ooohhhh, yeah

“Remembered forever?” I get lost after the first rama lamma lamma.


From Nirvana, 1991, “Smells Like Teen Spirit”:

nirvanaLoad up on guns, bring your friends
It’s fun to lose and to pretend
She’s over-bored and self-assured
Oh no, I know a dirty word

You can pick just about any snippet from a Nirvana song and it will work here. Go ahead…try it!


From Barenaked Ladies, 1998, “One Week”:

oneweekChickity China the Chinese chicken
You have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin’
Watchin X-Files with no lights on,
We’re dans la maison
I hope the Smoking Man’s in this one
Like Harrison Ford I’m getting Frantic
Like Sting I’m Tantric
Like Snickers, guaranteed to satisfy

This one almost makes sense, but perhaps it’s because I wear my mind on my sleeve and have a history of losing my shirt.

Enough already. If I’ve missed your favorite bit of gibbering nonsense, feel free to mention it in my very empty comment box…if you dare.

UPDATE: 05/15/15: On Facebook, an old high school chum noted one I’d missed, which brought yet another to mind, and they were both too good to omit, so…

From The Kingsmen, 1963, “Louie Louie”:

kingsmenLouie Louie, oh no
Me gotta go
Aye-yi-yi-yi, I said
Louie Louie, oh baby
Me gotta go

I always thought this chorus sounded like an urgent plea to use the “facilities,” but in the verses, which nobody listens to, the minstrel pines for his love in faraway Jamaica.
From Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs, 1965, “Wooly Bully”:

sam-the-shamHatty told Matty, “Let’s don’t take no chance.
Let’s not be L-seven, come and learn to dance.”
Wooly bully, wooly bully
Wooly bully, wooly bully, wooly bully.

The other verses are no help here, but who cares? I can’t stop singing “wooly bully” over and over again.


Paranoia Agents — May 6, 2015

Paranoia Agents

Just another day at the SOF-fice.

You may have noticed some recent news chatter about people spreading the notion that our government, under the pretext of a military exercise, is sending Black Ops teams to infiltrate the southwest U.S. as a prelude to imposing martial law.

Listen up.

Exercise Jade Helm 15 is not a government subterfuge designed to take our guns away, acclimate Americans to the sight of armed military forces roaming our neighborhoods, sneak foreign commandos into Texas via a vast network of tunnels connecting WalMart SuperCenters, herd malcontents into FEMA Death Domes, or gather intelligence for the Bavarian Illuminati.

It might be a plot to reveal the disturbing number of credulous dupes in this country willing to latch onto any paranoid conspiracy theory that sustains their cherished dream of someday standing alone on a desolate mountaintop, grimly surveying the post-apocalyptic cinder of a world only they saw coming.

No, that’s probably just an unintended consequence. Oh, the stupid…it burns. Two points:

1. Our Special Operations Forces are very good at what they do, but there aren’t nearly enough of them to seize control of California, Arizona, New Mexico, Utah, Colorado, and Texas. Or any one of those. These are, however, the rough men and women who are wakeful at night so the rest of us pasty-faced ingrates can sleep soundly and securely in our cozy beds—and like everybody in military service, they need to practice regularly to stay sharp. These are the folks we send after monsters like Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden. They’re who we call to rescue people taken hostage by murderous terrorists. I think helping them stay sharp might be a good idea. Any implication that they’re covert agents in the pay of a shadow world government or a go-to force for domestic oppression is worthy of only one response—ridicule.

2. Anybody who thinks our valiant young men and women in uniform wouldn’t rebel en masse if they were instructed to turn this country into a gulag hasn’t spent much time with them. Each one takes a solemn oath to “support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic”—support and defend the Constitution—not the sitting legislature, not the President, not Political Party X, Y, or Z. A cabal seeking to deprive the American public of their Constitutional rights and liberty would be one of those “domestic” enemies the oath is talking about. Military folks spend a lot of time discussing the implications of that oath, what qualifies as a lawful order, and their responsibility to disregard orders which don’t meet that standard. Blind obedience has never been a characteristic of the American soldier.

Not my preferred future.

You can trust the government, or not, as you please, but don’t dare impugn the integrity of your sons and daughters and friends and neighbors, who put their lives at risk daily on your behalf, by granting any credibility to the nutbars peddling fear and paranoia. And please, please don’t encourage said nutbars by browsing their blogs and biting on their clickbait.

Let our “Quiet Professionals” practice in peace. You’ll hardly notice them. That’s as it should be.


Justice Calling Free! — April 30, 2015

Justice Calling Free!

Fred Warren:

I downloaded this to Kindle a little while ago as I’m waiting for my flight home from Indianapolis, and I’m already 3 chapters in—a nerd-a-licious magical murder mystery in Idaho with shapeshifters and all manner of other fey folk. Fun stuff. If you enjoy Jim Butcher’s Dresden Files stories, this will be right up your alley. It’s the first book in Annie Bellet’s 20-Sided Sorceress series.

Originally posted on Annie Bellet Old Site:

I’m turning 34 in May. For my bday, I decided to put Justice Calling free for 34 days to celebrate. I also shaved my head. I get weird around my birthday, what can I say?

Anyway, if you haven’t tried the 20sided Sorceress series yet or have friends who haven’t or something… free book! Just for May though, then I’ll probably make it cost a whole $0.99 again. *grin*

Links are here:

amazon buy2Buy-from-Barnes-and-NobleKobo-Buy-Button2iBookstore

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